45 Missed Messages
by Gray Wings
Summary: Subaru's answering machine provides an explanation to Subaru's aversion to humanity.  CRACK


Subaru Does not Interact with Technology

**I am not here. BEEP:** "Sumeragi-san, the Tokyo Police Department will appreciate your performing your work quietly during future assignments. A substantial percentage of our officers have taken to throwing themselves off high places subsequent to working with you, and we simply do not have the resources to admit and train new personnel year-round. Thank you for your cooperation, and we look forward to working with you again. Silently."

**I am not here. BEEP:** "-answer it! Damn it, fucking machine again—Hey, Subaru! Mind coming out in, like, ten minutes and, I dunno, helping us _save humanity_? Fuuma has Kamui pinned to a building again, and I am busy bleeding to death- Fuck, YUZURIHA! STOP COMPARING MANGA WITH THE COMPUTER-CHICK AND HELP KAMUI ALREADY! I DON'T _CARE_ IF HE SEEMS TO LIKE IT- "

**I am not here. BEEP:** "Subaru, there is a man here asking for you. He is being aggressive. He is also not wearing any pants."

**I am not here. BEEP:** "Subaru-kun, would you please start answering when I _call_ you? That's what the pentagrams are there for, you know."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Stop stealing my cigarettes. I mean it."

**I am not here. BEEP:** "Sumeragi-san, can eating summons give you indigestion?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"*_sakura rustling_*_…Feeeeeeed meeeee…_"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Excuse the previous call, Subaru-kun. Mother's number used to be first on my speed dial. I really have to stop forgetting my phone in the park…"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Sumeragi-san, this is Kanoe of the Dragons of Earth. I am calling to request for you to refrain from using our Headquarters' private phone line as means of emotionally blackmailing the Sakurazukamori in the future. For one, he does not live here. For another, it is rather pathetic. Thank you, and have a nice evening."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Let's say, hypothetically, that I accidentally set someone on fire. Would a wind spell help or hurt at this point?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Never mind, we figured it out through trial-and-error."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Sumeragi-san, the world will end whether you pick up your phone or not. Hinata-hime has been trying to give you your final assignment for two weeks now. At this rate, she will have you fighting your opposite star somewhere completely ridiculous."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru-kun, I will much appreciate it if you stop shooting at my summons. It turns out they have feelings. Pretty ironic, all things considered."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Fuuma is here again. He has wings now. So does our Kamui. You don't want to know what they are doing to each other on the roof. Come as fast as you can, and bring tranquilizers."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru-kun, this is a reminder to either start eating more or stop rejecting the care-packages I send you. If not of yourself, think of those around you – I still have bruises from your bony hips."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"You just _had to_ tell Yuzuriha you like penguins, didn't you? Do you know how hard the damn things can bite? Also, the entirety of the Dragons of Heaven is now banned from any zoo within Tokyo parameters. I hope you are happy."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Hello, this is the Kamui of the Dragons of Earth. I was wondering whether you would be interested in trading your Kamui in for the Sakurazukamori. This is a limited-time offer."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Sumeragi-san, Shirou-san is in the cupboard again. Please come fetch him – I need the flour."

…**Obviously, I am not here. BEEP: **"…I swear I had NO idea those beads were yours. I promise to wash and return them asap."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"As you are well-aware, Subaru-kun, I am incapable of feeling anything that even remotely resembles human emotion. That said, if I see your Kamui touch you one more time, the world will end much sooner than predicted."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"I do not want to know the reasons behind it – just have my lingerie dry-cleaned and sent back to me."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Sumeragi-san, you should know about this: is there a cure for a hand-through-the-chest?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"False alarm. Apparently, the power of emo is potent enough."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Okay, I don't get it: if the world is ending as according to the Christian belief of Doomsday, thus re-enforcing the truthfulness of Christianity, how come your onmoyouji magic-tricks works? I would appreciate a quick response – the essay is due tomorrow."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru-kun, have you seen my eye? Oh, never mind, I found it – rolled under the couch again."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Sumeragi-san, how does sex work? I tried asking Arashi, but she won't tell me and everyone else was suddenly called away on a mission."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"You can ignore the previous message, Sumeragi-san! Kamui-san just told me that he can teach me about it—_**click: **_Ah, hello, Sumeragi-san! Did you just get home?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Hey, Subaru, can I borrow your gloves? In case the answer is no, I have no idea why they are dripping green slime."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"I swear, drawing on your _ofuda_ was _not_ my idea!...Okay, it was, but Sorata did the one of you sucking a lollipop. _*hushed murmuring*_ What do you mean, _it wasn't a lollipop_?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru-kun, please stop giving telemarketers my phone number. Also, I demand my underwear back. It is too cold to go out commando."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru-san, my stomach hurts and I have been throwing up rather frequently. Is there any chance that I could be pregnant?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Yeah, laugh all you want – my aunt did give birth to a _sword_, if you don't remember! If I am really pregnant, I am gonna name it after _you_, you bitch."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru-kun, I sincerely hope that if there is an abomination in your Kamui's stomach, it is not yours."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"No, I do not have your phone tapped. I just check who calls you while you are in the shower. I thought you wanted me to be more involved in your life."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru, what are your thoughts on matching outfits for the Final Battle?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"I am in a gun store, buying a semi-automatic. Want me to pick up something for you?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Subaru-kun, I advise you to remain indoors today. Our Kamui ingested a copious amount of sugar this morning before disappearing along with a pair of Kanoe's handcuffs. We have failed to locate him so far. Keep the door locked and stay away from windows."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"SUBARU, HE IS IN MY CHIMNEY! WHY IS HE IN MY CHIMNEY?"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"I just wanted you to hear me laugh as I read the restraining-order notice out loud. By the way, you did not sign it again, Subaru-kun."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"So, the school sent me to a psychologist. I just spent an hour with him, and am now trying to convince the guy to not go and kill himself. Am all out of ideas."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"There are sheep and I am naked. If this is not Kanoe, please inform the world that its end may be a bit delayed."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Good news: we found the dress. Bad news: Kamui was not in it. Keep an eye out for a naked Japanese boy."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"No pun intended."

**I am not here. BEEP: **"Hey, Subaru, Japan does not allow gay marriage, right? Oh, whatever, I can always file for divorce on reason of insanity of spouse if it comes to it…"

**I am not here. BEEP: **"You still owe me a wedding gift."


End file.
